maudit

if i had thought this through, i would likely have not made a promise to myself to post a photo a day for the month of august.

i am not the hugest fan of this month. it holds a couple of anniversaries that make me sad. not even saddish…just flat out sad.

so, i usually do one of two things…be really weepy and messy and post photos and over share about the very event that makes me sad…or i ignore this day completely and then get really annoyed when those who should know to be sensitive and caring forget what day it is.

today is a weird mix of both. i have both been quiet and over shared.

my dad passed away a whole long time ago. it is likely one of the events, if not the event, that shaped my take on the world.
anything can happen, and you have very little control over this life of ours.
overwhelming at 16, and no better 24 years later, when i realize that i am  ever so closer to the age my dad was when he passed away.

so, today i just ignored the date. kind of.
because that approach never truly works.
and it didn’t.

so instead, i got the heck out of the house and headed to the lake with the baby. it was quiet, with warm sun and a nice breeze, lots of room for the baby to run, chances for me to take photos…quite lovely actually.
which just frustrated me because as i watched the baby play, i realized that what i miss most is not what i am missing…but what my kids are missing.

my dad was fun. he loved kids. he would have adored mine.
and my sister’s four.
and my other sister’s three.
there are a lot of kids missing out on their grandfather in our family.
and it sucks.

they won’t ever get to see him riding around on his john deere tractor with his goofy hat, beer and cigar in hand ( white owls;)).
or hear his french accented voice.
or hear him swear in that same french accented voice.
and my car obsessed little guy won’t realize that his predisposition to automobiles is actually genetic.
and that my daughter has his dimpled chin.
and that my big son has his off center grin.
and that my propensity to swear was a learned trait…

until i tell them, of course, which of course i will.
because he was the best dad any girls could hope for.
and would have been a hell of a grandpa.

and this oldie but goodie is my photo for the august break

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7 thoughts on “maudit

  1. Johanne says:

    Your story makes me feel sad for you.. Myself too I lost my dad 8 years ago and that's one thing that I miss is my kids missing all the things that he would do. They do remember some but the boys were 6 and 3 1/2 when he pass so what do they really remember now???Your in my heart and keep strongJohanne

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  2. Jenn says:

    Thanks for sharing this photo and your story. It is tough to think of what your kids are missing, by not knowing their grandfather. Like your kids, I did not get to meet my grandfather as he died when my Dad was a teenager. I still feel like I knew him because of the family stories and photos, so please keep sharing. I know your father is watching over your family. Jenn

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  3. Perry says:

    I guess you are in a sharing mood. This is one of the best blog post I've ever read. The tribute of what your dad was to you and what he could have been for your kids is very poignant. It's also a story many of us can relate. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful tribute about your dad.

    Like

  4. Amy says:

    I know this is a few days old now, but I wanted to send hugs. So much of this post resonates with me. I miss my dad every day. For me and for them.

    Like

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